A self-perpetuating cycle?

I couldn't wait to get to my desk to write today.

My lovely and special friend S, sent me the above pic yesterday. It really meant so much to me and I must say, that I do feel that I am getting to a place where I can just 'trust' again. I feel like I am getting to a place where I can just 'let go and let God'.

It got me thinking again about 'relaxing'. Everyone always says to 'just relax'. I asked my dear husband (DH) whether he thought that our inability to conceive is a direct result of my inability to fully relax and 'let go' in terms of the pregnancy thing. He said that he thought it was a big factor for us and that I do put a lot of pressure on myself in terms of trying to conceive. A bit of a stab to the heart, but I can always trust my DH's honesty. He tells it like it is, which is what I need. No fluffy stuff!

They say that stress releases cortisol which is a stress hormone, which in turn directly affects the other delicate hormones necessary to facilitate the reproductive process. In the caveman days (and this is according to DH), in times of famine or drought, women would not have been able to reproduce. The body naturally shuts down the reproductive function in times of stress.

Fast forward to our modern lives - fast paced & highly strung as they are. Throw in months and months of being unable to conceive with everyone around you falling pregnant (and the stress that this causes) and you have a recipe for a cortisol overload. Could this be our (my) problem? I have often thought "I wish I could stop stressing about this. I wish I could stop pressuring myself. How do I just let go?".

Sometimes I totally stress about stressing! AARGH!

Of course, the IVF clinic's are booming - are the doctor's praying on people like us?

Then, I think about it logically again. In my first year off the pill, we weren't trying at all and therefore there was no pressure at all to conceive. However, it did not happen despite the fact that we completely miscalculated my cycle and therefore were not avoiding my fertile time at all for that entire year.

This leads me to believe that maybe it is my sub-optimal AMH - maybe my egg quality and quantity is a factor. Who knows? I certainly have done everything to try and reduce stress in my life - acupuncture, NLP counselling sessions, yoga, moderate exercise, sufficient sleep, lots and lots of holidays and an extremely healthy diet. I don't drink a lot of alcohol - maybe a glass or two on the weekend, but I even tried letting go of controlling that for a while, as so many people said to me 'just drink if you want - relax - it will happen when you relax'. Needless to say it didn't work and I've gone back to very minimal alcohol consumption.

In the end, I have to let go. I know I do. Especially now that we are facing IVF. Now more than ever.

So I have decided on the following:

• I will not google anything IVF related





• I will continue with my daily circle and bloom meditations





• I will write in my blog, but that will be the only time I think about it all or talk about it all





• I will throw myself back into my wedding planning course





• I will complete 3 more wedding planning course modules by the end of the year and I will ace all of them





• I will live in the now and savour and enjoy every moment

Last night, during my circle and bloom meditation, I was asked to visualise a fire burning on a beautiful beach. My beach has a tall cliff behind it covered in green, lush forests with a beautiful soft waterfall falling directly from the cliff onto the beach. This water then flows in a little stream into an amazingly turquoise sea.

I was asked to throw the emotions that are most hindering my fertility into the fire. I did and I watched them burn:

• Putting pressure on myself





• Anger





• & Jealousy