It's over

I am sad to be sending the news that our first IVF cycle has failed. I am still reeling a bit and don't quite know whether I am coming or going.

Everything went so perfectly with our cycle - the transfer was a dream, the little embryo was so beautiful and perfect, I was feeling very relaxed and happy and started to get quite a few pregnancy signs over last weekend. I was feeling very excited and positive about it all.

On Tuesday morning, I awoke at 4am with slight cramps. I thought immediately that it might be implantation and then, when I woke up and the cramps were gone, even more so. I felt quite excited. However, on the way to work around 8am, the pain started full force and I asked B to turn the car around and go home. I just knew that something was wrong. I called the nurse and she said that we won't be able to tell until Friday when I have the pregnancy blood test. Some women have a full monthly but still end up pregnant.

However, at 4pm, it was all over. I had, what I can only term an early miscarriage. It was the most distressing thing I've ever experienced. I had to take loads of paracetamol and felt too weak to get up from the blood loss. I called the nurse and asked if I needed a D&C and she said not at this early stage.

On Wednesday morning, I was still extremely weak and bleeding heavily. I got dressed to go to work and walked out the door to go to the train station but my neighbour who is a doctor saw me and said there was no way I should be going to work. I called my boss again and said I wasn't fit to come into work.

I have been in a state of grieving for the last three days with mood swings from euphoria and hopefulness for the future as well as acceptance of what has happened, to extreme sadness and anger which has made me want to scream and smash things.

The pregnancy blood test which was on Fri morning, has come back negative – the nurse called me to pass on the news.

As a way of moving on, I’ve now written down everything we want to do in the next two months which is going to be our break from all this madness: for me - yoga twice weekly, painting, walking, cooking, gardening and for both of us enjoying a few weekends away and our NZ holiday in March.

I've also written out a plan to talk to my doctor. I have always had a gut feeling in these last two years that our problem is not with fertilization but implantation. I am not an expert in this by any means, but the excellent number of mature eggs this cycle (despite a low dosage of drugs), excellent fertilization rate and the high quality of our embryos which were able to grow all the way to day five, leads me to believe that the problem does not lie in this area. So my plan is to talk to our FS about this next Tues, and insist on further testing and potential treatment, if feasible. Aside from all of this, B and I always knew that our first cycle might fail. But, we are very thankful and lucky to have two beautiful 5-day old embryos (our snow babies) waiting in the wings for us.

I do feel a huge amount stronger today - like I am ready to stand up and fight another day. I went to an hour and a half yoga class yesterday morning and this was my first step to moving on and finding my centre again.

I am also so lucky to belong to this blogging community.

Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I dont believe the borderline AMH levels have actually affected me at all as I seem to have lots of really good eggs left. Over the last 2 years I've experienced similar months where I think weve had an embryo form and develop but somehow it ends up unable to implant properly. It's a gut feeling I have.

Around 4 months ago, I linked up with an amazing blogging friend who went through multiple failed IVFs and pregnancy loss. Like me, she had lots of great eggs, a great fertilization rate and high quality embys. She then tested positive for high levels of natural killer cells - these are cells which occur naturally in the uterine wall, which if over abundant, have been known to stop a foetus from developing before it can properly implant. She was treated and is now succesfully pregnant.

When I told my dad the news and about this case, he told me that our family has a history of autoimmine disease - from my great grandfather to my grandad, dad and uncles. My dad is a pathologist and scientist, and therefore believes that I might have an unnaturally potent immune system and has strongly suggested I get tested for high levels of these cells.

The research is very new and controversial but both my parents, strongly agree with it (my mom is also a pathologist) and I'll be talking to my doctor about it on Tuesday even if it means insisting on a referral to another doctor at my clinic who does support this research.
If I dont have high levels of these cells, I will eat my socks, but I have a really really strong feeling that I need to follow this up. Here are some studies which were done on NKs in 2005 and 2009 - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16213853

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18835875

So yes - I am going to take matters into my own hands a bit. In the end we are the only ones who really know our bodies inside and out... Our doctors tend to put us into boxes when each case is so different and unique!

Sorry about the long post but my brain has been working overtime...

Now that I'm back in the land of the living, I'll be back in blog-land and commenting on your posts again. I have been keeping up to date with all of your journeys. Some of your posts have made me laugh and some have made me cry, but always, I've felt that I'm so lucky to belong to this community of immensely strong and like-minded women!

Onward and upwards!

Meltdowns and madness

I had my first two week wait meltdown today. At work but during my lunch hour (thank goodness).

I've had 'pregnancy symptoms' since last Thursday but have been fighting a losing battle with my mind which is telling me "No, you know that this will get you into trouble, Missy. Every time this has happened before its been a big fat negative or AF has come knocking, so why would it be any different now?"

Top that with:

1) extra progesterone (a.k.a moodiness-in-a-daily-pessary)

2) a heat wave in Melbourne

3) a hub who refuses to have any expectation about the outcome of this IVF because 'I don't have expectations about those things I can't control' - God I wish I could have mind control like him? and finally,

4) the inevitable count down to my Beta blood test this week

....and BAM, it all got too much and I ended up blubbing on the phone to hub 30 mins before a very important client meeting and then having to very quickly pull myself together with cold wet tissues to reduce the swelling under my eyes and dab up my copiously running mascara!

But you know what, the crying somehow, was a massive release today. I felt a zillion times lighter inside. I hadn't realised how much it had all been weighing on me and it felt so good to get it all off my heaving & sobbing chest.

And then, I read Chon's amazing blog post and it took the final edge off. I'm going to paste my favourite bit here which was like a soothing lighting bolt to the soul:

At the end of the day whether it be clomid, IUI or IVF you are going through a period of intense pressure like nothing else you will ever experience. Everything in your mind is coming down to TWW and the worst thing, particularly with IVF you know you have put an emby in. For many of us that is further than we have ever got before. You can't help but be stressed. Personally I think it is better to feel the stress than hold it all in behind a facade of "I am doing soooooooooooo well". Get it out, if it means having a huge cry then go ahead and do it.

Thanks Chon, your post couldn't have come at a better time for me today!

So yes, I've had quite a few 'pregnancy symptoms' but I'm not going to write about them here. I think I would bore myself to tears if I did.

Instead, I'm going to say that I have no idea if this has worked or not.

I spent some time writing down everything I am grateful for this afternoon and also writing a prayer to God & the Higher power of the Universe - thanking them for everything that they have given us including our perfect cycle so far and our two snow babies. So many things could have gone wrong that didn't. For that I am so grateful. I also asked for help to keep me strong in these next few days.

This made me feel lighter too.

And now I have to write the paragraph which I have been dreading writing for a while but knew would be coming. My dear husband B asked 4 weeks ago, that if we do get a BFP this week, that we will only tell our immediate family and no-one else. And therefore, I will not be able to write about it on my blog. This makes me sad, as you have all shared in this journey with me and I feel I owe it to you all. But alas, I can't. I have to respect his wishes.

He doesn't want everyone to know in case we don't make it to 12 weeks. In which case I will write it about it in my blog, but when I am ready to.

So please know that if you hear and see nothing on my page in the coming weeks, there is a very good reason for this. I promise, though, that I will continue to follow all of you and be there to cheer you on every step of the way.

I'll end with this post with a quote I found the other day and a picture of one of my favourite spots on earth, Crayfish Bay on the Great Ocean Road:

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true"

Leon J. Sue

Lots of love to you all 'till next time.

BW

Transfers and snow babies

We had our transfer on Monday. It all went very well and the staff were just wonderful!

We did get a little picture of it, but my hubby only wants to share this with immediate family, so I have to respect his wishes, though I would have loved to share it with you all. When I saw the picture, I totally welled up. To know that this tiny being is completely ours, with our genes, was just overwhelming.

The doctor seemed a bit surprised at how long my cervix was, but it all went just fine. It was a bit sore when the speculum went in, but that soon went away and I once again, did my yoga breathing which helped. The medical team were really lovely and calming. It was all done in 10 mins.

I just received the news today that, although we had another 4 really good emby's on Monday looking like they would be freezable, they were only able to freeze 2. I was doing really well today - really calm about everything and less 'obsessed' about this little being inside me than I was yesterday (and worrying that every germ or bump would somehow harm it!) but this news made me feel so sad. I guess it is normal to grieve the emby's that don't make it.

However, the nurse said that 70% of couples don't end up with any to freeze, so I know that we are very lucky. And I know those two were good ones as they would have made it to 5,5/6 days.

Then my lovely accupuncturist texted me out of the blue to say she was thinking of me - almost as though she knew I was sad at that exact moment. I told her that I was feeling sad and overwhelmed with fear that this one inside me wouldn't make it either. I felt overhwhelmed that maybe this has been our problem all along? That I have a good number of eggs but the quality isn't great? To have 8 of 9 eggs fertilize was amazing, but to only get 3 out of 8 viable is quite low. She quickly texted back and reminded me about the two snakes I saw in Nov and Dec!! My lucky two snakes. My good omens telling me that two important people were going to come into my life soon!

How could I have forgotten about these?

Maybe my two little snow babies are represented by the two snakes?!

Anyway, I'm hanging in there. This two week wait is the hardest thing I've ever been through, I must say. The IVF process until here is quite easy in comparison!

Well, signing off now and wanted to say, thank you sooo much for all your support and messages. I've noticed that many of you are also struggling to comment on each other's posts, just like me! Please know that I am reading all your blogs and, as always, enjoying following your stories and cheering you on in spirit.

Let the distractions begin!

I woke up at 4am this morning with my mind racing.... racing about our embryo transfer tomorrow morning, racing about how I'm going to get through work this week and be normal, racing about how to keep calm and stop my boss from stressing me out when I am so emotional this week. Luckily I have taken tomorrow as a leave day so I don't have to set foot in the office.

And thankfully I managed to get back to sleep!

It is a beautiful sunny day here and I have distracted myself today with a long walk at the Lakes, cooking lunch and working on my latest wedding planning diploma projects. It seems to be working, thank goodness.

So I thought, in the spirit of distractions, I would share two of my projects with you - these are two wedding style boards I created late last year for two of my wedding planning diploma assignments.

1) A Marie Antoinette inspired wedding in the Yarra Valley:

2) A rustic 'breakfast at Tiffany's' wedding in Country Victoria:

So yes - I've been keeping busy.

But every now and then, my heart stops again and I remember that transfer is tomorrow.

Tomorrow, one of our tiny and already beloved embryos will be placed inside me. How will I feel knowing it is inside me - this combination of my genes and the genes of the man that I love and have loved for 10 years? How on earth will I contain my emotion?

How on earth will I get through the next two weeks?

Dear Lord, thank you for giving us a perfect IVF cycle so far. Please, please, please can you help make this little baby stick. All love and loyalty forever, BW

Egg collection

Thank you to everyone for your lovely comments and support over the last few days. I've been reading all your posts and commenting where I can, but irritatingly, my computer is not letting me comment on all posts :-(

My IVF update for today is......

Exceeding all possible expectations, the following has happened in the last 24 hours:

- The nurses, doctors and embryologist were absolutely wonderful yesterday

- I got totally high pre and post procedure on the lovely cocktail of anesthetics!

- The procedure was really successful

- I woke up and felt wonderful and a bit high which was lovely and told all the nurses I wanted to give up my corporate job and become an IVF nurse - ha ha!

- I had a conversation with my doctor post op, that I don't remember at all :-) Though she told my hub that I was very talkative

- I've had hardly any pain

- No bleeding

- No OHSS

.... and.... I woke up in hospital with the number '9' written on my hand. 9 beautiful little eggs were retrieved.

All of our family (mom's, dad's, brothers and sisters) prayed for us and thought of us overnight and we had the call from the nurse today:

8 of our 9 eggs have fertilized!

I was so shocked that I almost fell out of bed and immediately burst into tears of joy.

If all goes well, transfer will be Monday.

I don't know what more to say except that I am floating on a cloud of joy right now......

It's all happening

Firstly, thanks so everyone who wrote on my last post. Your support and encouragement is so appreciated. Also, to everyone who is cycling with me this month, all my fingers and toes are crossed for you and I am here to support you through it all.

So back to my post - Great news re: our 2nd ultrasound!

Our 6 follicles were all between 18 and 19mm yesterday and there was also 7th which was at 13mm!!! The nurses kept saying 'well done' and how well I am responding to the protocol and were giving us lots of encouragement which was lovely. B has really done an excellent job giving me all my meds in a calm and timely manner. My tummy looks like that of a voodoo doll from all the needle pricks, but it is healing quickly! To those of you who haven't started your injections yet, just letting you know that for me, they didn't really hurt at all. Only a small prick/pinch as the needle goes in and sometimes a bit of burning as the liquid goes in, but really not bad. B injected me and each time, I lay down, and looked up at the ceiling doing my yoga breathing, as I don't like to see the needle go in. I do the same when I have my blood taken.

While on the subject of the injections, we went to watch the cricket at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on Sat night. We had to do our Gonal F injection at 9pm. We walked into the first aid room at the MCG, and B asked the officer "do you mind if we use one of the cubicles so that I can inject my wife please?". The look on their faces was priceless! Needless to say, they gave us our own cubicle with the curtain drawn and didn't ask any questions. 5 minutes later, we were back in our seats watching Shane Warne bowl a wicket! It was hysterical.


We are now ready for egg collection which is just such fantastic news. The little follies were very active over the weekend and grew about 4 - 5mm each. This would explain why I was so tired - I just wanted to sleep all the time. The nurses said it's because of the hormones and also how hard my body was working to increase their size.

B gave my my HCG trigger injection last night at 8pm (which will ensure the final maturation of the eggs during this 38 hour period).

For the surgery, I will need to fast from midnight tonight in preparation for the anaesthetic. The procedure is at 10am tomorrow morning. B will go in with me and will also give his sample at 10am. We have abstained since Sunday. I still can't believe it -It all feels so surreal.

We will find out how many eggs fertilized on Thursday. Please keep all your fingers and toes crossed for us :-)

I have taken tomorrow off work and will likely work from home on Thursday.

Our embryo transfer will then hopefully be on Monday 16 Jan.

I will also have an acupuncture session post my surgery tomorrow and again on Monday - both before and after the transfer.

Above all, we have to be realistic, as even if it all goes very well, the little emby might not stick, or it might miscarry before 12 weeks. But we think it is important to still be positive. The live birth rate with our clinic, for our age group, is 35%, and 45% of pregnancies make it to at least 6 weeks.

We are just being thankful at each stage, for every little thing that does go well. Counting our little miracles as they happen and trying to focus on one day at a time!

IVF 1 - a new beginning

Hi everyone.

Happy happy New Year! It feels like it's been ages and ages since I last wrote.

We arrived back from our holiday on Monday and I've managed to read all of your blog posts over this last week (which I've so enjoyed), but have been unable to comment as I've been so busy catching up on work and a mountain of laundry! I promise I will be back into the swing of things soon.

Thanks so much to Izzy for thinking about me and for wondering how I am, and to all of you who left lovely comments on my wedding anniversary post! Also, thanks to Heather for the special mention of my anniversary on your December post. Happy anniversary to you, Heather, and congratulations on your latest scan and finding out you are expecting a little boy :-)

DH (I'm going to call him B from now on) and I are just fine. We had the most amazing holiday which was very much needed. There were times on holiday were I felt so relaxed, that I almost felt guilty about it! But then I would quickly whip away those thoughts, knowing that IVF was coming and I needed to simply revel in relaxation and bliss as much as possible.

Our camping holiday up the Sapphire coast was everything we had hoped it would be - we spent a lot of time simply relaxing in the hammock, reading, having afternoon naps, sitting around the campfire, eating great food and spending quality time with our friends. But we were also really active - lots of beach and forest walks, snorkeling, skiing, swimming, body surfing, cycling and kayaking. It was fabulous!

We kept our gonal F in our friend's camper van fridge as planned and it worked out just fine.

After yet another perfect cycle in December - 29 days on the dot with a clockwork day 14 ovulation (I even felt my left ovary release the egg) and timing the baby dance just perfectly, I had so hoped for a miracle conception. But alas. AF started on 30 December. After crying a few tears and lots of hugs from friends and B, I got over it and started to think about the upcoming cycle and our injections.

On new year's eve, B and I stole away to our tent at 9pm and illuminated by the light of our head torches, he injected our first Gonal F shot. It was just fine. The needles are so tiny I can hardly feel them in my tummy and he is a most brilliant (and sexy!) male nurse!

Within 3 days of the daily Gonal F injections, I had very few side effects besides slightly tender ovaries (especially on my left) and a bit of bloating. The dreaded nausea, dizzyness, mood swings etc have not materialized and I've gone back to work as normal. I am on the lowest possible dosage (150) which our doctor has put me on due to an increased risk of OHSS (my left ovary showed up 20 follicles on my November ultrasound making it polcystic and there is a risk of too many follicles all growing at the same time).

On day 6 of my cycle (Weds) we started our second injection to suppress ovulation and have continued with 2 injections a day since then (one at 7.30am and one at 9pm).

Yesterday was our first ultrasound and blood test at the hospital. I am excited to say that I have 6 good sized follicles growing nice and evenly - 1 at 13mm and 5 at 12mm. The nurses are all pleased with my progress! I don't believe that 6 is very many compared to other people, but I believe that this is because I am on low stims due to my risk of OHSS. Still, 6 little follicles growing nice and evenly is just great! I did have a concern that my body would not respond at all. I would also much rather be on low stims than risk a cancelled cycle due to OHSS. Here is an interesting article about this - it's about low stimulation agonist/antagonist cycles with particular reference to diminished ovarian reserve.

We have another ultrasound and blood test scheduled this coming Monday where they will check our progress. Each follicle will likely grow around 1mm per day and they have to be at around 17mm before egg collection can take place. Therefore, we are estimating our egg collection will be on Weds/Thurs this week.

I have been trying not to get excited, but simply can't help it! However, rather than my usual extremes of severe worry or manic excitement, I have been blessed with an eerie sense of calm. As much as I am being very positive about it all, B and I are still keeping our expectations realistic: we may not get an egg from every follicle; those eggs that are retrieved may not all fertilize; I may suffer from OHSS yet. But as much as these things can all happen, we are just taking each day one at a time and praying for small miracles and milestones along the way.

So far everything is going to plan and we are very thankful for that.

I will be quite thankful for any amount of little emby's we get!

I've realised over the last 3 years that there is so little about this journey we can control. Though IVF is very controlled and scientific, there is still a chance that anything could happen. I think our calmness stems from a real acceptance of this fact.

Our doctor has chosen ICSI for us - where they will physically inject B's sperm into my eggs. I think our doctor believes that there may be an issue with the enzymes on the end of B's little boys, being unable to break through the walls of my eggs. We are very pleased about this as it will give us the best possible chance of successful fertilization, and will rule this out completely if it is an issue.

So yes, that concludes my update!

As I said in December, I am hoping and praying for lots of sticky baby dust for all of us in 2012!

Lots of love

B

ps: On our first day of holidays my bestie and I went for a long beach walk. On our way back home, climbing up and over the dune, a 1.5m long black snake slithered quickly across our path about 1 - 2m in front of my feet! I almost died of heart failure (again!). However, we could quickly see the snake was terrified of us and he hurriedly slithered away into the dunes whilst we just stood dead still and tried to swallow our wildly beating hearts! So yes, another good omen. 2 deadly snakes in 2 months.... could this mean that 2 very important people are going to come into my life!? Ha ha!