Meltdowns and madness

I had my first two week wait meltdown today. At work but during my lunch hour (thank goodness).

I've had 'pregnancy symptoms' since last Thursday but have been fighting a losing battle with my mind which is telling me "No, you know that this will get you into trouble, Missy. Every time this has happened before its been a big fat negative or AF has come knocking, so why would it be any different now?"

Top that with:

1) extra progesterone (a.k.a moodiness-in-a-daily-pessary)

2) a heat wave in Melbourne

3) a hub who refuses to have any expectation about the outcome of this IVF because 'I don't have expectations about those things I can't control' - God I wish I could have mind control like him? and finally,

4) the inevitable count down to my Beta blood test this week

....and BAM, it all got too much and I ended up blubbing on the phone to hub 30 mins before a very important client meeting and then having to very quickly pull myself together with cold wet tissues to reduce the swelling under my eyes and dab up my copiously running mascara!

But you know what, the crying somehow, was a massive release today. I felt a zillion times lighter inside. I hadn't realised how much it had all been weighing on me and it felt so good to get it all off my heaving & sobbing chest.

And then, I read Chon's amazing blog post and it took the final edge off. I'm going to paste my favourite bit here which was like a soothing lighting bolt to the soul:

At the end of the day whether it be clomid, IUI or IVF you are going through a period of intense pressure like nothing else you will ever experience. Everything in your mind is coming down to TWW and the worst thing, particularly with IVF you know you have put an emby in. For many of us that is further than we have ever got before. You can't help but be stressed. Personally I think it is better to feel the stress than hold it all in behind a facade of "I am doing soooooooooooo well". Get it out, if it means having a huge cry then go ahead and do it.

Thanks Chon, your post couldn't have come at a better time for me today!

So yes, I've had quite a few 'pregnancy symptoms' but I'm not going to write about them here. I think I would bore myself to tears if I did.

Instead, I'm going to say that I have no idea if this has worked or not.

I spent some time writing down everything I am grateful for this afternoon and also writing a prayer to God & the Higher power of the Universe - thanking them for everything that they have given us including our perfect cycle so far and our two snow babies. So many things could have gone wrong that didn't. For that I am so grateful. I also asked for help to keep me strong in these next few days.

This made me feel lighter too.

And now I have to write the paragraph which I have been dreading writing for a while but knew would be coming. My dear husband B asked 4 weeks ago, that if we do get a BFP this week, that we will only tell our immediate family and no-one else. And therefore, I will not be able to write about it on my blog. This makes me sad, as you have all shared in this journey with me and I feel I owe it to you all. But alas, I can't. I have to respect his wishes.

He doesn't want everyone to know in case we don't make it to 12 weeks. In which case I will write it about it in my blog, but when I am ready to.

So please know that if you hear and see nothing on my page in the coming weeks, there is a very good reason for this. I promise, though, that I will continue to follow all of you and be there to cheer you on every step of the way.

I'll end with this post with a quote I found the other day and a picture of one of my favourite spots on earth, Crayfish Bay on the Great Ocean Road:

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true"

Leon J. Sue

Lots of love to you all 'till next time.

BW