The unbearable wait

Hi everyone. I hope you are having a great week!

I've been deliberately withholding this post. After the brilliant U/S results two weeks ago, I PROMISED myself that I would NOT get my hopes up about conceiving naturally this cycle.

Inevitably, this has been an EPIC fail.

On Saturday, CD24, I got these weird period-like pains which then disappeared. I've also had 'rolling gassiness' for the whole week interspersed with constipation and an upset tummy - sorry, too much info, I know! On the weekend, I had to have an afternoon nap on both days and yesterday, could barely drive home I was so tired (I was forced to have a nap prior to going out to a work function last night!). My acupuncturist even said I looked tired when I saw her yesterday morning. I have been increasingly dizzy and on Wednesday, almost threw up when I smelled the cat's food. I have been super hungry (especially for starchy, greasy, salty stuff) AND so thirsty, I could drink a lake, and have been weeing a lot.

My BBT chart is still showing consistently high temps ranging between 36.9 and 37.1 and the temp readings are showing no signs of dropping, having been at these levels since CD17 - I fully expected to see a drop this morning and it would almost have been a relief to know AF was coming. But nope. Still very high. I've been waking up at 3 and them 5am every morning since Sat to go and wee and have felt hot and sweaty both at night and in the day. I also had some hellish mood swings this morning and poor hub got the brunt of it - so badly I had to call him at work to apologise. Thank the Lord I have such a wonderful, understanding hunk of a man. :-)

But my breasts, whilst quite swollen, aren't overly sore and I've had no spotting.

I also did an early detection pregnancy test on Monday CD 26 and it was negative. What did I expect!?

I don't know what to think!? I am going insane.

I haven't done another test and am CD 29 today. My usual cycle is 29 - 32 days but can be up to 35. Hub and I are going to (try) and wait till the weekend to see what happens.

I don't know what to do. The mind is such a powerful thing, it could just be making all this up. But how can one ignore all these really physical things happening to oneself? On the other hand, it could all just be really bad PMS symptoms.....

Everyone say it with me - "AAAAARGH!!!!"

My first blog award!

Thank you to Still hoping at Hope Delayed - http://hopedelayed.blogspot.com/, for my Liebster Blog award!!!

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I want to pass this award onto:

Izzy at http://eggceptionalblues.wordpress.com/

Lady Bug at http://myjourneytoconception.blogspot.com/

Heather at http://surviveandthrive.co.za/

The Cornfed Feminist - http://thecornfedfeminist.blogspot.com/

Chon at http://mypathtoinsanityandbeyond.blogspot.com/ (Chon's blog is not new but I love it and inspired me to start blogging :-)

The sign I have been waiting for?

Happy Friday everyone!

So, I had another brilliant session with my acupuncturist, AW, this week. She has said that my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to do and that the ultrasound results last week and myBBT chart prove it. I stopped charting in our 2nd month TTC as it was just annoying and I felt that it made me focus too much on the whole thing. But I must say, that after all of this water under the bridge and all the pain I've been through, a little charting doesn't kill. Needless to say, my chart has been the model of a perfect cycle this month. That said, I am not getting my hopes up about a natural conception at all. I've been there too many times before to feel any hope whatsoever. I do, however, feel a deep sense of calmness about everything that I haven't felt for absolute ages.

I also told AW the story of how recently, I was given a sign. I have been asking God and the Universe for some sort of sign that I will be pregnant one day and that everything is going to be ok.

A couple of weeks ago, DH and I went on an amazing camping trip up to the King Valley and camped in a private spot, just the two of us, on the banks of the King River for 4 days. The weather was absolutely divine and we tanned on the beach, swam in the river every day and sat around the campfire under the stars every night.

One morning, we decided to go out cycling. My hub went on a training ride up the King Valley pass (he is a triathlete and has a big race in New Zealand coming up next year) and I went on my own up a different road to the lake. I was pootling along slowly up the hill, admiring the beautiful spring blossoms and valley views when something made me look to my left, onto the verge of the tar road I was cycling up.

There, stretched out and sunning itself was a 2m long tiger snake.

I grew up on a farm in South Africa and my parents always told me to stop and stay dead still if I came across a snake. This is exactly what I did. The snake was now around 2m behind me and to my left (the above picture is taken with a slight zoom)

I stared at it in shock and my heart rate went through the roof. I must say here, that we have been on many, many camping and hiking trips in our 3 years in Aus and this was my first tiger snake sighting and only my second snake sighting in total. They are very shy creatures and normally vanish the moment they hear you coming.

Anyway, I realised that it wasn't going to attack, though I knew it was watching me. I watched it for a while and, once my heart rate had normalised, realised how privileged I was to be able to see this amazing creature so close up in the wild. I carefully and slowly took a photo and then moved to cycle away. The moment I put my foot on the pedal, the snake disappeared in to the bush next to the road.

When I told my mom about the story, she told me that seeing a snake is a very good omen and that I should google it.

And so I did. This is what I found:

Whether in your garden, inside the home, or out trekking, if you meet up with a snake, it means something or someone important is coming into your life. The more poisonous the snake, the greater the good fortune.

I'll add here that tiger snakes are deadly.

Could this be the sign I've been asking for?

Our Fur Baby

I thought I'd post a pic of our little Fur Baby - Zuri.... here she is sleeping in human position in our downstairs bedroom. By the way, Zuri means 'beautiful one' in Swahili. We adopted her from the RSPCA in April this year and she is now 11 months old.

I have made a pact that, when we do eventually have a real baby, Zuri will still be showered with the tonnes of love and affection she currently receives! I didn't think it would be possible to love anything so much, but, goodness gracious, how we do love her!?

On fertility-related issues - exciting news! DH and I are not paedophiles or child traffickers!!! We got our police checks back today - all clear. Woo hooo! For those of you in other countries, here in Victoria, Aus, federal law requires IVF applicants to obtain a police clearance and child protection check before IVF treatment can begin. I spent a whole week wallowing in misery before I could even fill out the forms, but eventually pulled myself together and, as with all things IVF-related, 'just did it'.

Anyway - it's done now - yay!

Hope everyone is having a great week and, can I just say how much I'm enjoying reading everyone's blogs?! Sending lots and lots of baby dust to everyone :-)

Three years in Aus today!

Today 3 years ago, we arrived in Australia!

Thanks to our new country for all the amazing adventures, beautiful sunsets, delicious food, yummy wine, brilliant friends, spectacular scenery, incredible art, music and sport you have given us the privelege of enjoying so far!

Hospital visit

Firstly, thank you SOOO much to everyone for all your well wishes and thoughts yesterday and the day before. Your messages of support really mean the world to me!

We had all our preliminary blood tests, DH's analysis and my ultrasound done yesterday and a counseling session with the IVF psychologist which was emotional, but essential. The ultrasound was amazing. It was the first time I have had an ultrasound done properly by a specialist unit and also right in the middle of my cycle. I hadn't planned it that way when I booked our hospital visits a few weeks ago, so it was amazing that it worked out so well to be right at ovulation! I had lots of healthy follicles (9 good-sized on my right ovary alone, and plenty on my left - yahoo!) and she could see that I had ovulated the day before because the follicle that had ovulated (on my right ovary) lit up like a Christmas tree (woop woop!). I knew that I had ovulated the day before, as I had had all the signs, and therefore it was amazing to have confirmation of this. I also had a really good 'peri-ovulatory' lining. 'These are all indicative of optimum fertility' - were her exact words.

DH was in the ultrasound room with me (his first time) and he found it fascinating too. He joked saying 'well, we'll have to go home and get jiggy with it then' and she nodded her head vigorously. Not that this has made any difference for us in the last two years, but miracles can and do happen all the time :-)

I also want to mention here, that I strongly believe that my amazing session with my acupuncturist on Monday was also a big factor in the results of the ultrasound, so thanks AW!

So whilst absolutely elated by all this news, I walked out of the room feeling extremely confused. The first words out of my mouth were 'why the hell are we here if I'm supposedly so fertile?'. However, the fact is that there may well be another physiological problem like the sperm being unable to penetrate the egg wall or the cilia in my Fallopian tubes not working properly or one of many other things that may be affecting our ability to conceive.

I walked into the counselors office and the first thing I said was 'I'm so confused, I don’t know if we should give it another 6 months before trying IVF' and promptly burst into tears. But after a lot of talking through everything, we decided that it is ok to get help and we are not failures. She said it is completely and utterly natural to grieve giving up the dream of conceiving naturally.

I also realized that for a long time, I have been blaming myself for us being unable to conceive and thinking it's my fault because I am not 'relaxed' enough. She said after all I’ve done i.e. the NLP counseling, the acupuncture, the yoga, the excellent diet, the daily meditations, the wedding planning course - that I’ve done everything I can to 'relax' and live a balanced life and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself - her exact words were: 'you are only human after all'.

I had also irrationally been thinking that my DH thought the same thing and was blaming me too. For the first time in ages, I had the guts to actually ask him outright whether this was true. He openly said that he didn't believe this and that he agrees there could be an undiagnosed underlying problem which is the cause of all of this. I can’t tell you what a relief hearing him say that was!

We both came out feeling a lot more sure of our decision to go with the doctor’s advice and go ahead with the process. The temptation is always there to 'just try naturally for another 6 months' in the hope that a miracle will happen. But we just can't sacrifice more time (and personally I can't handle the emotional distress anymore) and so we've realized that it's totally ok to get help.

So yes - we are tired after a big day, but a huge amount more calm and reassured.

As always, I'd love to hear all your thoughts and I look forward to catching up on everyone's blogs in the next couple of days!

Inspiration for the day

"All great achievements require time"

Maya Angelou

DH and I are off to the hospital tomorrow for all our pre-IVF blood work, SA, U/S, finance chat and pre-IVF counselling session.

We have taken the entire day off work, so that we don't have to have work stuff competing for our attention.

After tomorrow, we will be one step closer. This is comforting.

So excited to be part of the blogging community!

I've had my first comment on my blog from http://eggceptionalblues.worpress.com. Yay! Does that make me officially part of the blogosphere community?! Big smiles!

Also, I just wanted to say a HUGE public thank you to Chon at http://mypathtoinsanityandbeyond.blogspot.com/ for all your support and help and for inspiring me to start my own blog. I've spent a week or two reading Chon's amazing blog and thought my hubby was going to strangle me because I just couldn't stop reading it - like a novel you simply can't put down! So thanks again, Chon.

Your support online and offline has been so reassuring for me.

Calm and collected

I had my first acupuncture treatment at Angea Fertility last night. My new acupuncturist just blew me away with her knowledge and how incredibly thorough she was. She had gone through all my blood test results with a fine-toothed comb and even pointed out discrepancies which the doctors had never pointed out to me, including that I have a slightly borderline (on the low side) thyroid function, which she said could affect the speed at which my follicles develop via the thyroid receptors on my overies. But she said it was only very slightly low (though she will factor this into the treatments for me).

She promptly put me on a course of evening primrose oil and royal jelly capsules and today, has delivered a whole fertility pack with some diet recommendations and so on. She has said that our diet and exercise regime is already excellent so there is very little change required here.

She said that I have been suffering physically from all the months and months of painful emotions I have been experiencing as a result of our inability to conceive and that her goal would be to balance this out and for me to be able to find peace again. She said 'simply knowing you now have the IVF scheduled will help you to feel calmer and more trusting of everything'. She said that it will be her goal to help us conceive before IVF, but if that doesn't happen, is doesn't matter - the treatments will ensure that I am fully ready for IVF when the time comes.

At the end of the session, I felt so relaxed that I couldn't move my arms and legs and I slept like an absolute dream last night. Two people in my office today mentioned that I look extremely relaxed and that my 'skin looks amazing'!

On another note, a very new but surprisingly already dear friend of mine who is also going through the IVF process said to me today - "Life is a strange journey, it's not always as expected and we can't plan for it all. I guess that is what makes it interesting"

Highs and Lows

My emotions are still all over the place. Yesterday I felt extremely grateful for my life and everything in it. I spent the day living in the 'now' and soaking up every moment. We had some special friends over for a bbq and it was an extremely sunny and beautiful day.

Today, I had a goal of finishing module 5 of my wedding planning diploma course work. Unfortunately there is a problem with our browser at home and so I couldn't download the course work. This left me very frustrated! So I went for a long walk and then did some sketching, and a couple of meditation sessions which made me feel better. But the frustration is still lingering - and its tinged with anger too. I don't know why. It's kind of a limbo feeling. Like I'm waiting for something to happen. Maybe it's because I know we are going for IVF in a couple of months and it's kind of 'looming' over me.

I've decided that the only way to get me through these lows is to keep doing the things I love - long walks, cooking, gardening, spending time with friends, sketching, reading and spending time with my DH.

I am also looking forward to acupuncture tomorrow with AW - my new acupuncturist. This is helping that feeling of limbo - the thought that I am doing one more constructive thing towards achieving my goal of perfect balance and creating the perfect environment for us to be able to conceive. Something within my control. Something that might just make a difference for us.

In the meantime, here's to living in the 'now' and doing the things I love!

A self-perpetuating cycle?

I couldn't wait to get to my desk to write today.

My lovely and special friend S, sent me the above pic yesterday. It really meant so much to me and I must say, that I do feel that I am getting to a place where I can just 'trust' again. I feel like I am getting to a place where I can just 'let go and let God'.

It got me thinking again about 'relaxing'. Everyone always says to 'just relax'. I asked my dear husband (DH) whether he thought that our inability to conceive is a direct result of my inability to fully relax and 'let go' in terms of the pregnancy thing. He said that he thought it was a big factor for us and that I do put a lot of pressure on myself in terms of trying to conceive. A bit of a stab to the heart, but I can always trust my DH's honesty. He tells it like it is, which is what I need. No fluffy stuff!

They say that stress releases cortisol which is a stress hormone, which in turn directly affects the other delicate hormones necessary to facilitate the reproductive process. In the caveman days (and this is according to DH), in times of famine or drought, women would not have been able to reproduce. The body naturally shuts down the reproductive function in times of stress.

Fast forward to our modern lives - fast paced & highly strung as they are. Throw in months and months of being unable to conceive with everyone around you falling pregnant (and the stress that this causes) and you have a recipe for a cortisol overload. Could this be our (my) problem? I have often thought "I wish I could stop stressing about this. I wish I could stop pressuring myself. How do I just let go?".

Sometimes I totally stress about stressing! AARGH!

Of course, the IVF clinic's are booming - are the doctor's praying on people like us?

Then, I think about it logically again. In my first year off the pill, we weren't trying at all and therefore there was no pressure at all to conceive. However, it did not happen despite the fact that we completely miscalculated my cycle and therefore were not avoiding my fertile time at all for that entire year.

This leads me to believe that maybe it is my sub-optimal AMH - maybe my egg quality and quantity is a factor. Who knows? I certainly have done everything to try and reduce stress in my life - acupuncture, NLP counselling sessions, yoga, moderate exercise, sufficient sleep, lots and lots of holidays and an extremely healthy diet. I don't drink a lot of alcohol - maybe a glass or two on the weekend, but I even tried letting go of controlling that for a while, as so many people said to me 'just drink if you want - relax - it will happen when you relax'. Needless to say it didn't work and I've gone back to very minimal alcohol consumption.

In the end, I have to let go. I know I do. Especially now that we are facing IVF. Now more than ever.

So I have decided on the following:

• I will not google anything IVF related





• I will continue with my daily circle and bloom meditations





• I will write in my blog, but that will be the only time I think about it all or talk about it all





• I will throw myself back into my wedding planning course





• I will complete 3 more wedding planning course modules by the end of the year and I will ace all of them





• I will live in the now and savour and enjoy every moment

Last night, during my circle and bloom meditation, I was asked to visualise a fire burning on a beautiful beach. My beach has a tall cliff behind it covered in green, lush forests with a beautiful soft waterfall falling directly from the cliff onto the beach. This water then flows in a little stream into an amazingly turquoise sea.

I was asked to throw the emotions that are most hindering my fertility into the fire. I did and I watched them burn:

• Putting pressure on myself





• Anger





• & Jealousy
  
  

The ball is rolling

Another box ticked. We submitted our police and child protection forms by registered mail today.

Last week, when I printed out the 30 odd pages of forms and started filling them out, I ended up sobbing my heart out at my desk and I just had to put them aside until I felt stronger.

After being told that IVF is pretty much our only option of becoming parents, having to prove that we are not paedophiles or child traffickers is like rubbing salt into an already bleeding wound.

But it's just the way it is done here in Australia and we have to accept it. It's all done now and I feel relieved that we can go to our medical appointments next week knowing that these checks are under way. Onwards and upwards!


Quote for the day:

"The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain"

Kahlil Gibran

Inspiration for the day

" Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
The most massive characters are seared with scars"

Kahlil Gibran

The joys of facebook

I know many women who write about infertility often mention how painful the facebook wall can be, to our already wounded hearts.

This post yesterday by a doting dad (who incidentally, is part of a very fertile couple), has got to take the cake!

"I am very interested to see the colour of [insert child's name here]'s poo tomorrow as she has eaten a blue and red crayon. Anyone know the colour you get when you mix blue, red and poo?"

Did you ever consider that some of your friends might be suffering infertility and that maybe they don't want to know all the graphic details about your child's poo!??

That is my rant for the day. For goodness sakes, have some sensitivity, people!!!

My first post

Well, who would have thought? When we started this journey two years ago now, I never thought I'd be writing this. I never ever dreamed we would be in the place we are in now. About to embark on IVF treatment.

I have spent the last week wrestling with feelings of elation, relief, excitement, rage, shock and sheer sadness. No wonder I woke up feeling so exhausted this morning? Life has to go on and I am at work today, but I must say, concentrating on anything has been a major stretch for me this month.

After 2 years of TTC, 6 months of unsuccessful acupuncture, a laparoscopy and countless scans later, I reluctantly went to see my Dr (a specialist Gynae/obstetrician who I have been seeing for 2 years now) and weeped in her office about the fact that I just couldn't understand why it wasn't working and could she please send me for more blood tests. We have never ever had a positive pregnancy test.

Out of desperation, I had started googling various blood tests as I knew that there were more tests that could be done, that hadn't been done - namely testing for the hormones FSH, LH, AMH and estradiol.

Receiving the result back stating that I had a sub-optimal AMH of 11.5 was devastating for me. I felt like my world was going to end! I was immediately referred to a proper FS who we went to see last Wednesday and who has categorically stated that we need to begin IVF without further hesitation. Though he did say that my AMH was only 'slightly concerning' and that 11.5 is 'not that low'. He said that there may well be a physical problem like the small hairlike structures in my fallopian tubes failing to gently push the egg southwards, or that there may be an issue with the sperm penetrating the egg. He advised that we could test for all these, but that if we tested positive, that we would need IVF anyway. I quietly asked the doctor 'so, do you think there is any point in us trying naturally for another year?' and he said 'absolutely no point'. So my DH and I agreed with his recommendation and we let the reality of it wash over us in the car as we drove away.

I have started this blog as a way of getting all my thoughts and emotions out of my head and onto the page. I am hoping it will be a way that I can maintain a level of sanity in all this craziness. And maybe someday, by writing this blog, I will be able to help other women through their journeys too.

When I was a little girl, my parents used to take my sister and I to the seaside on holiday. We would leave home, embarking on our 10 hour drive down to the coast and the first thing I would say in an impatient voice was 'Mummy, are we there yet?'. Needless to say, I have had to learn INFINITE patience throughout the last 2 years but sometimes, I just want to know the answer to this question. I just want to know when this emotional roller coaster will end and when I will finally become a mum. I've never ever wanted anything more in my life.