My first post

Well, who would have thought? When we started this journey two years ago now, I never thought I'd be writing this. I never ever dreamed we would be in the place we are in now. About to embark on IVF treatment.

I have spent the last week wrestling with feelings of elation, relief, excitement, rage, shock and sheer sadness. No wonder I woke up feeling so exhausted this morning? Life has to go on and I am at work today, but I must say, concentrating on anything has been a major stretch for me this month.

After 2 years of TTC, 6 months of unsuccessful acupuncture, a laparoscopy and countless scans later, I reluctantly went to see my Dr (a specialist Gynae/obstetrician who I have been seeing for 2 years now) and weeped in her office about the fact that I just couldn't understand why it wasn't working and could she please send me for more blood tests. We have never ever had a positive pregnancy test.

Out of desperation, I had started googling various blood tests as I knew that there were more tests that could be done, that hadn't been done - namely testing for the hormones FSH, LH, AMH and estradiol.

Receiving the result back stating that I had a sub-optimal AMH of 11.5 was devastating for me. I felt like my world was going to end! I was immediately referred to a proper FS who we went to see last Wednesday and who has categorically stated that we need to begin IVF without further hesitation. Though he did say that my AMH was only 'slightly concerning' and that 11.5 is 'not that low'. He said that there may well be a physical problem like the small hairlike structures in my fallopian tubes failing to gently push the egg southwards, or that there may be an issue with the sperm penetrating the egg. He advised that we could test for all these, but that if we tested positive, that we would need IVF anyway. I quietly asked the doctor 'so, do you think there is any point in us trying naturally for another year?' and he said 'absolutely no point'. So my DH and I agreed with his recommendation and we let the reality of it wash over us in the car as we drove away.

I have started this blog as a way of getting all my thoughts and emotions out of my head and onto the page. I am hoping it will be a way that I can maintain a level of sanity in all this craziness. And maybe someday, by writing this blog, I will be able to help other women through their journeys too.

When I was a little girl, my parents used to take my sister and I to the seaside on holiday. We would leave home, embarking on our 10 hour drive down to the coast and the first thing I would say in an impatient voice was 'Mummy, are we there yet?'. Needless to say, I have had to learn INFINITE patience throughout the last 2 years but sometimes, I just want to know the answer to this question. I just want to know when this emotional roller coaster will end and when I will finally become a mum. I've never ever wanted anything more in my life.