So much water under the bridge!!
So much water, that I've simply been unable to write on my blog until now.
We had a whole load of family travel to Melbourne over Christmas meaning that we had to hire a neighbours house to accommodate everyone. It was a lovely but chaotic Christmas, but I was happy to enjoy Christmas, a beautiful lunch and special times with family and friends without our son arriving in the middle of it! My B and I didn't want to miss out on any of the festivities!
However by 26 Dec, I felt ready to welcome our son. I had a quiet afternoon alone and my hubby and I went for a long evening walk by ourselves, and I sent a little message to our son 'Comet' - I told him that we were ready for him and very excited to meet him.
I went into spontaneous labour the following morning, 27 Dec at 7am with distinct contractions, 8-10 mins apart. We were so very excited! I started listening to my hypno birth CDs, practising my sleep breathing, had a relaxing bath and spent time on my birth ball leaning onto the back of the chair. The family left B and I in our house to labour privately. B recorded video snap shots and photos as the day progressed! These are so funny and heartwarming to look back on now.
I'd had my 40 wk obstetricians appointment booked for midday so we went across to see him. He excitedly announced that I was 2cm and in active labour. Our little boy was fully engaged and in a really good anterior position. He did a small stretch and sweep and we headed back home. On the way, contractions intensified and moved to around 5 mins apart.
We laboured peacefully at home until the contractions were 3-4 mins apart and over a minute long. B made me spaghetti bolognese - good 'pre marathon' food! The hospital then said we could come in and we arrived around 5.30pm on 27 Dec.
They popped me on the bed to monitor the baby's heartbeat and said they'd like to continue monitoring as they'd noticed a few minor decelerations. Unfortunately lying on the bed (as opposed to being on my birth ball) caused the contractions to slow right down. Not even the Obstetrician breaking my waters to speed things up worked! Contractions remained super sluggish - it was like my body was rejecting the medical intervention! I requested a wireless monitor and they provided this so that I could move around and be back on my ball. Contractions started up well again and they held off giving a syntocin drip (which I'd expressly said I hadn't wanted).
At 14 hours of labour I'd managed to do it all on my own, using the hypno breathing techniques but I was getting super tired and the pain was becoming hard to manage. So I decided to try the gas and air. My hubby and I had some fun chatting away with me on a high and him taking a few puffs himself - ha ha! Obviously the midwife wasn't in the room at this point.
At 17 hours the doctor examined me and sadly, inexplicably, I was only 3cm dilated. At this point, absolutely exhausted and completely 'over it' I asked for an epidural. I had always said that I'd have one if labour extended to a point of such extreme exhaustion. I still don't understand why I had dilated so little after so much time. But it was simply, the way it was.
The epidural was heaven. B and I were able to sleep for a few blissful hours until the early hours of the following day - 28 Dec. My obstetrician then checked me and I was 9cm. I felt super excited that we were finally going to meet our son! Our little Comet, who we'd waited so long, and been through so much for!
But then I started to feel severe pain again. The contractions were coming back! The nurses topped up the epidural but to no effect. Eventually the anaesthetist arrived back and apologised profusely saying that a rare thing had happened - the epidural chord had dislodged so much that it was no longer working. I then had to endure full transition on gas and air while they set up and administered a fresh epidural. It was agony and it was at this point that I completely lost track of all time and place. The pain was all consuming.
But with a lot of cooperation and manoeuvring and contractions coming on top of each other, they managed to administer the new epidural and it came into effect at 10cm dilation - about an hour after the old one had worn off.
24 hours had gone by at this point - it was 7am and I'd gone into labour at 7am the previous day! My husband B suddenly said that he felt faint - I wasn't surprised and the midwives quickly told him to sit down and have something to eat and drink. He had stood by me for all that time, encouraging me, stroking my back, supporting me, feeding me iced water and chocolate and caring for me like an absolute champion but clearly forgetting to look after himself!
My obstetrician and the lovely midwife said that I could push if I wanted to. Luckily I'd done some reading on how to push through an epidural and so together the midwife and I could tell from the monitor and from the faint contractions I could feel, when it was good to push. I pushed and pushed with all my might for around an hour and a half and I actually made really good progress. However, at 26 hours, it just wasn't enough and our doctor said it was time for baby to come out.
I said that that was absolutely fine! He used my first choice of the ventouse, but because Dorian had so much hair, it kept popping off and this actually caused quite a large scalp injury which
Dorian recovered well from but which saw him in special care for the first 2 days of his life.
There was no other option but a forceps delivery. Out obstetrician did an amazing job and after only a tiny, neat cut and one tiny mark on our sons face which disappeared after a few hours, our amazing son was thrust out into the world in a rush and placed naked, glistening and beautiful onto my chest. Amidst many many tears - my husband openly crying, me sobbing in sheer relief and joy and our son, taking his first, loud sobby breaths, we welcomed our son to us and held him close. B cut the umbilical chord and we cuddled our precious child to us, the rigours of the labour all forgotten.
It was the single most amazing moment of our lives ever!
My dearest B had stood by me throughout - I could never ever have done it without him. There were a few times where he went to the bathroom and I almost lost it! He was just so amazing, playing beautiful classical music for me and being there with me every step of the way. My love for him and my son is equal to nothing I have ever felt before. I am truly privileged and blessed to have them in my life.
However, the drama wasn't over yet - my placenta adhered and as a result had to be manually removed by hand, causing a risk of infection and resulting in my having to be on an antibiotic drip for 3 days in hospital. Funnily enough, exactly the same happened when my mum gave birth to me - except that the doctors failed to remove all the placenta and she heamoraged and almost died. But, the epidural was still in effect and I had our son in my arms breast feeding, so I didn't care at that point. Our obstetrician was amazing and I'm pleased to say that I have had no residual products and a D&C was never necessary.
B and I spent 6 days in hospital under 24 hour care which was a godsend. We had our own suite with bathroom, kitchenette and double bed with 5 delicious meals a day and spent 6 very precious days getting to know our son. My milk took a while to come in because of the shock of the labour and my sheer exhaustion. But we managed! The hospital and staff were ABSOLUTELY AMAZING supporting and coaching us every step of the way!
The last 3 weeks of his life have been a bit of blur - joyful, tearful, immesurably hard but also utterly rewarding.
We went to the market on Sat and had lunch at a cafe in the sun and did a tiny bit of shopping while D slept in his pram. We also had dinner at friends and then on Sun went to the beach where I walked Dorian in his pram and B swam -triathlon swim training. It felt soooo good to get out the house.
We visited the maternal and child health nurse on Tues for his 4 week check and he is thriving too. He's put in 580g in 2 weeks where they only expect 300g! So they said we should be proud of ourselves for making it through and looking after him so well despite everything that the last 3 weeks has thrown at us!
Dorian is also sleeping really well through the night - around 2.5 - 3 hour blocks from 9pm. I go to sleep after the 9pm feed and B settles him so that I get a good 3 hours sleep before the 1am feed - makes a huge difference. We're generally doing a 5/6pm, 8/9pm, midnight/1am, 3/4am and 6/7am feed. He's just naturally fallen into this rhythm. Amazing how that's just happened on its own.
We've started making the most of Dorians alert times in the mornings with some 'tummy time' and time in his rocker with brightly coloured mobiles. He enjoys that. Or we'll do a walk in the pram or ill sing to him.
The most amazing thing happened on the weekend too.
I had a moment on Sunday morning where I was singing 'over the rainbow' to him and he was looking at me with these big blue searching eyes and I just cracked- I couldn't sing anymore. The tears started rolling and it hit me ' this little boy is what we have waited for and strived for, for so long. All the hardship of IVF, all the hard months of trying and waiting, wondering, doctors appointments, blood tests and surgeries... He is it. This beautiful and very special child of ours'
I think I've been so much in a shocked, (from the long hard labour) hormone, gastro (I ended up in hospital A&E last wknd on an IV drip due to severe gastro and dehydration!) sleep deprived 'fug' for these first 3 wks, that I've not been able to yet fully feel this overwhelming love for him until now!
It was quite simply one of the most overwhelming and moving feelings I've ever felt.
They do say that sometimes, the feelings of love and attachment in the mum can take a while and I think that's what's happened to me. Its been such a hard and unrelenting 3 weeks. I've been in a type of survival mode unable to really feel that incredible love for him yet. But suddenly it's here and that feels wonderful!
So yes... Things are on the up and up! After the shock of the long and difficult labour and trying to feed him through the gastro last week (so that he could get my antibodies against the virus and also stay hydrated) our daily routine and looking after him feels like a Sunday school picnic in comparison - ha ha! There is indeed, always a sliver lining to every situation ;-)
So that's it folks! I know it's been a long time coming.. But better late than never.
I know that as time progresses, it will all get easier and our love and attachment to him will only grow.
There is nothing easy about bringing up a newborn (or bringing one into the world) and its been a roller coaster but I wouldn't change any of it for the world! There is nothing easy about IVF either, but I wouldn't change any of that for the world either - it has made us strong - it has made us the parents that we are today.
