Resigning myself to the truth...

The red witch arrived last night - 2 days late. The nurse said my cycle might be a little 'off' as a result of failed IVF cycle in Jan.

I'm not sure why I still believe it can happen for us naturally?

I think I just need to give up believing it can, as it is becoming really exhausting! I think I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that we are not going to conceive without IVF.

I know that sounds negative, but I am just so tired of getting my period month in and month out even though I ovulate and we have the timing of our 'baby dance' absolutely perfect!

It's kind of a relief to have come to this point, I must say.

Life is good

Happy Valentines day everyone!

I've been offline for a while because I've been 'living' a little after the intensity and subsequent failure of our first IVF cycle.

For the first time in ages, I've felt like the old me, where getting pregnant wasn't a priority and the dark shadows of infertility hadn't yet come to haunt us.

I've been drinking some wine, enjoying the beautiful Australian summer weather, sunbathing at the beach and in our garden, exercising lots and eating whatever I want to! Bliss.

I just wanted to say a big congrats to all the ladies who've had Big Fat Positives in the last 2 weeks. I'm stoked for you all - may those little ones of yours nestle in and get comfy!

Yesterday B and I became the proud Aunt and Uncle of our newest nephew. He is so beautiful.

When I saw the pics this morning I cried unashamedly. I have been very emotional about it all for reasons I am sure you all well know, but mostly because we are so far away (in another country) and can't give him a cuddle.

For a little while last night, that happy carefree feeling left me to be replaced by an all consuming dread that having a baby of our own is an unobtainable dream for us.

Thank heavens for B who was so patient and hugged me tight to console me. Today he sent me a beautiful valentines card asking me to stay positive and never stop dreaming big dreams. He thanked me for our 10 amazing years together and assured me that our life will continue to unfold in the wonderful way it has so far.

God love that man - he has the patience of a saint!

The results of my latest blood tests aren't out yet - the lab accidentally centrifuged one of the 8 vials they took - the one that looks at my chromosomes. So I had to go in today and re-do it. I've asked them to expedite it so I should be able to get the results back next week hopefully.

My mom, who has been helping me with researching the auto immune link, has recommended that I take a higher dose of evening primrose oil daily. She said the following:

"Evening primrose oil contains much gammalinolenic acid which bypasses an enzyme we have very little of after puberty, and so limits the production of the prostaglandins etc. that our bodies can make from plants that we eat. Also our life style toxins like alcohol etc. hammer the enzyme (what little is left of it) which makes it worse. This is something you could easily supplement at the highest dose you can afford and it may well help balance out your immune system"

God love my mom too!

I will end off today with this pic - tell me honestly, who needs a baby when you have this!????

Only Kidding.

Of course we want a baby of our own, but for now, Zuri is our very willing substitute! Here she is, asleep in B's arms.

This pic melts my heart every time I look at it.

Hope you have a lovely week everyone :-)

Update on my WTF?? appointment

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone, once again for all your comments on my last post. I can't tell you how much they meant to me and how much they helped me to get through this last week and get to a stronger place in my heart.

You are all amazing.

Secondly, I wanted to give a shout out to Her royal fabulousness. She has had a really rough month and really needs support right now, so please visit her if you can.

Lastly, an update on my WTF? appointment with Dr L:

He firstly expressed his disappointment that our first cycle failed as he had been very optimistic, which I thought was quite sweet.

I said that despite knowing that the first cycle routinely fails for couples, I too had had high hopes. I explained what happened last Weds and that it felt like I'd had an 'early miscarriage'. I told him how it had felt like something was trying to happen in my body post transfer and about the pregnancy symptoms I'd had. I then went on to explain how this has actually happened a few times in the last 2 years - maybe 4 or so times where I have had a delayed monthly, pregnancy signs but then it just hasn't happened for us.

I asked him if he agreed that the cycle went well - i.e. that we had a really good number of mature eggs despite the low dose drugs and despite my borderline AMH and that we had a very high fertilisation rate and great embryos. He readily agreed.

I then explained that new information had come to light about my family and talked him through the various autoimmune disorders in our family. I've found out that not only does my dad suffer from Mysthenia Gravis (a recent diagnosis) but my uncle, sister, grandfather and great grandfather are/were all affected by various autoimmune disorders.... He raised his eyebrows as I was talking. I said that as a result of:





1) this new information about my family


2) further research I have done


3) my gut feel that this there may be an implantation issue,


and finally 4) at the recommendation of my parents who are both pathologists


I would like to be tested for potential immunologic implantation dysfunction.

To my complete surprise he agreed and immediately started writing out a script for further blood tests. He did say that there may be no family link for me or link to our infertility, especially as these disorders have manifested later in life in my family (my dad and uncle are in their 50s and 60s). I then said that that is fair enough, but does he think that it would be good to at least test and rule these out as a possibility? He agreed.

Unfortunately I can't read his handwriting on the script but there are at least 6 things they will test for which include gene mutation, my clotting profile, antithrombin 3 deficiency, protein C deficiency and antiphospholipid antibodies.

I asked what would happen if I tested positive for any of these and he said that some of the treatments for me might then include Clexane or Steroids depending on what they find.

So yes - all in all, exactly the outcome I was hoping for. I specifically didn't bring up natural killer cell testing this time. After further research and thanks to Heather, I found out that there are routine blood tests that can be done to look into implantation failure which I think may be important to have done first. My plan is that if these all turn out to be negative, I will then look at getting a referral to the other doctor for a 2nd opinion and potential NK cell testing.

So yes. I feel proud of myself for the strides I have made this week. Who knows what we'll find out, but it will be interesting as always!

Have a lovely weekend :-)

BW