22 December - Our fourth wedding anniversary

Tomorrow is our fourth wedding anniversary. Four years ago, on the summer solstice, we were married on a beach 80km north of Cape Town. We were blessed with the most spectacular weather anyone could ask for on their wedding day and we loved every minute of celebrating with 90 of our closest family and friends.

The last four years have been really amazing too - we moved from London to Australia a year after our wedding and after travelling overland through Africa and South Africa for 10 weeks, en route.

We have loved the last 4 years - even our journey through infertility, has been a blessing in some ways (although it has definitely been the hardest challenge we've had to face). Standing by as 6 babies have been born in our immediate family, has been pretty hard to bear, but it has also brought us immeasurably closer to each other as a couple, and provided us with an iron-cast foundation upon which to build our future.

Tomorrow, we also see our IVF nurse for the first time and receive our meds and instructions on how to administer the injections. It's kind of weird that it's on our wedding anniversary, but we couldn't do it on any other day this week and we've decided, as always, to 'keep it light and humorous' and treasure the opportunity to be together and face it together. We'll go early and have a nice breakfast at a little cafe beforehand.

I have so enjoyed reading everyone's blogs over the last few weeks. It's going to be weird to be away for 10 days without any internet access. So I'll take the opportunity now to wish you all a beautiful Christmas with your DHs and I hope that you are able to soak up some special time together, where it is just the two of you. It's been a hard year on all of us and it's important that we all have some much needed 'time out'! We need to take care and nurture ourselves so that we are strong inside and ready to face everything 2012 brings - and my fervent Christmas wish is that it is a year filled with tonnes and tonnes of sparkling baby dust!!!

I thought I'd share some pics with you, taken on our big day four years ago and also a poem which my mom wrote too, which describes our wedding day perfectly and still makes me well up when I read it!

Merry Christmas everyone!


THE WEDDING
22 December 2007


The day lapped lazily awake
A timeless distance
On an endless shimmering silvery beach
A slow snake of joggers, prams and delighted dogs
Disappeared into the haze
As I watched sipping tea

A clearing of sharp shells and pebbles,
Harmonious duo of leaps and curves
Was quickened by the icy waves
And our focus wordlessly gathered
And the day seamlessly slipped into THE DAY!


Each pre-primed to his task
The plain rustic palette of entropy
With quiet industry
Metamorphosed into a theatre
Of regal protea-pinks on crisp white and reed brown
Entwined in branch grey
All scattered with sandy shells, candles
Twinkling lights and sparkling glass




The sun rose over the bare-bleached arch
And the crew soldiered on
Until the Stage was set



The brazen sun observed
Blondes pink and gold
Brunettes green, blue and mauve
Pastel pretty parasoled Bridesmaids
Descend to stage right,
Preceding golden ivory




Radiant Mermaid-Bride
Emergent from sparkling breathless waters
On a perfect day
To enchant and bewitch
Her lithe handsome man







Encircled by vows, rings
And the brightly rippled attention
Of the Universe
The bond was made, symbolised and witnessed
And THE DAY rejoiced and confirmed
The Joining with rose petals, hugs
And congratulatory kisses



The Feast followed,
Of food, speeches, father-final
And betrothed-beginning Dances


The long shadowed day then swelled
Into crescendic Sunset
For the gleaming couple
And as it hushed into darkness
The Cake was cut and consummated
In delectable delight






The Celebrations continued
Thai candles rising imperceptibly, slowly
Into the windless night
Over a whispering sea
Private wishes and hopes transfixed
And floating into the future
Distant Unknown



And THE NIGHT became a vibration
Of song and dance
And Orbs came to join the party.



And THE DAY and THE NIGHT
Stretched and slipped unnoticed
Into the embryo of the next day
And the Gods who had created and partaken
Of THAT DAY
Gave thanks in their hearts
For EVERYTHING




And the Memories of THAT DAY
Continued to reverberate
Accross the Universe
As one where hearts had swelled
And tears welled
And life, was wondrous and good


By: June Williams
19 January 2008

Bring it on!

I can't believe it's only 2 weeks until Christmas! And only 4 weeks until we start our first IVF cycle...

Bring it on, I say!

We had a really interesting visit to Dr L on Tuesday. A very strange thing happened - all of our test results came back normal. Now I wasn't surprised about DH's SA result, as that has always been good, and obviously the ultrasound results weren't a surprise, as I was there at the time and knew that they were good. It was my AMH level that was a huge surprise - it went from 11.5 in October (sub-optimal to the 14 + it should have been and indicating a possible diminished ovarian reserve) to a whopping 31.5 in November!!!!!

I don't understand how this has happened and did not realise it could vary, but I was so shocked that I embarrassed myself by exclaiming 'WHAT??" really loudly when the doctor gave the result, causing DH to look at me strangely! I immediately asked the doctor what the change meant and he said 'Bronwyn, I can only conclude that your health is on the improve'

Could it be the health blitz that I've been on since September? The healthy diet, lack of alcohol, weekly acupuncture, daily circle and bloom meditations, daily power walks and the emotional comfort of knowing we are going for IVF and there may just be a resolution in sight?

Something deep inside me knows this to be the case. My skin is reallly glowing, I feel energetic, I'm sleeping like a dream and I feel really happy for this first time in a long time.

It feels like we are giving ourselves over into the hands of God and Science and the relief is palpable.

I haven't even googled 'changes to AMH levels' because, do you know what? It doesn't actually matter. We are going for IVF in Jan and so nothing really f-ing matters anymore!

The doctor said we have what they call 'idiopathic sub-fertility' or unexplained infertility. IVF is our next step and that is all that matters now. There is no longer any point in trying to figure out why we can't conceive naturally... It's futile and a waste of time and energy. The strange thing is that rather than causing massive frustration, knowing this has been like having the world lifted off of our shoulders.

Due to the fact that I had a large number of follicles on my left ovary (20), the doctor explained that it tends towards being polycystic. He was quick to point out that this is not the same as PCOS and so it is not an issue. It just means that they will need to put me on a low dosage antagonist drug protocol to ensure that I don't experience ovarian hyper-stimulation. I was really happy about this, as I really didn't want to be on high stim drugs!

I also called our nurse, Sue. What a lovely lady? - she has over 30 year's experience and I felt like I could trust her straight away. We will see her on 22 December to be trained on how to administer the injections and on the timing of the cycle in Jan.

The funny thing is that, as we are off camping for 10 nights from the 23rd, we are going to have to keep the injections in our friend's campervan fridge because I'll have to start injecting around the last 2 days of our holiday! How freaking hysterical is that!?

Anyway, our new motto is 'one day at a time'. DH and I are not expecting our first cycle/embryo transfer to work. We are just going to take it all one day at a time and hope that we have success after 3 to 4 transfers i.e. at some stage during the next 1 - 2 years. And we are going to hope for a good number of healthy emby's to put on ice. But even in regards to that, we are keeping our expectations low.

A very good blogging friend of mine Chon said 'remember that the first IVF cycle is very much a trial and error process- to see how you respond to the drugs etc.' which was such good advice. Thanks Chon!

The other really funny thing is that, for the first time in many many months, I can feel a small glimmer of hope in my heart again.

And it feels really nice.

And, more importantly, I am allowing myself to feel it :-)

Getting Christmassy and other musings...

Hi everyone!

Firstly, thank you for all the comments on my last post - You are all so kind! AF is is a f--king bitch isn't she?! Ha ha!

But, I refuse to let it get me down. I fully believe that one of my eggs fertilised in this last cycle, but that things just weren't quite right for it to implant, once again. I have never had such strong early pregnancy symptoms before - I counted one day where I had to go for a wee 19 times by 3pm and I had to have an afternoon nap for 4 of the 6 afternoons in that week!? Anyway, I believe that my body is getting more and more ready and knows exactly what to do.

It will be very interesting when I have my first egg collection next year, to actually find out what the quality of my eggs is like. Hmmmmm.....

However, I've had enough of all of this for one year, let alone two! It is our 2 year anniversary of TTC this month, and I am slightly (massive sarcasm there) over it, but in a weirdly good way...

My darling husband said on Friday:

" Stay strong and remember that we will get there step by step. Every month we are not pregnant means a wider base and foundation for our future together :-) I love you"

Many other couples who are extremely fertile, never get a nice long period of time to really get to know each other before they have babies. Many fertile couples will never have the unbelievable closeness and bond, we infertiles have with our partners. For this we are truly blessed. This is what my DH meant by the above message.

It is also December and that means it's time to get into the Christmas spirit! We put up our tree yesterday and I've emailed off a special e-Christmas card to all of our friends and family all over the world.

I am also looking forward to this next month pre-IVF where I am going to enjoy our 10 night beach camping holiday to the max, soak up some lovely rays, revel in nature, take long walks, do yoga at sunrise on the beach and sit around the campfire with friends for hours talking.

I feel truly blessed.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to wish all my wonderful blogging friends who I have met in this past month, for the amazing welcome and love they have shown me so far. I truly believe that I would not be in the positive and optimistic head-space I am currently in, if it weren't for all of you, so a huge thank you.

Happy festive season everyone!

The best cure for AF... Ever ...

....An iced cold New Zealand Sauv Blanc, after 5 weeks without a drink and a week of thinking I'm pregnant.