Where do I begin......

Hi everyone

It has been so long and there have been times where I've had to tear myself away from the temptation to blog. It has been so long that I don't really know where to start.

So I'll start at the begining. On 11 April we had our 5 day blasty transfer and 3 days later I started to feel cramping in my lower left which continued for 7 days on and off. I then started to get some classic symptoms like frequent urination, tiredness, extreme hunger and thirst and slight nausea. All of these I've had before, so I tried not to think about them too much. Except for the cramping - this part was very unusual for me.

On 19 April, 3 days before our scheduled Beta, I started to spot and my heart just sank. I thought, that was it - I was going to have another early M/C. So I called B in tears and asked him to pick me up at work. We drove to the supermarket and I bought a pregnancy test. I wanted to see for myself whether there was any HCG in my system at all, even if it was all over for us and a M/C was imminent. I wanted to see if the embryo had at least tried to implant at all. 

We drove home and I immediately did the test. I placed a sheet of paper over the test and set the oven timer to 3 minutes. After 3 minutes, B and I lifted the piece of paper FULLY expecting it to be negative.  After all these years of never ever seeing two lines, what more could we expect?

There were two dark lines.

I looked at B and instantly a massive sob welled up in me and I just held him and cried my heart out. The sobs came from somewhere so deep, so buried that it was almost painful. They were sobs of sheer relief.... of all the pain that I have ever felt over these endless months of trying and dissapointment..... of all the love that I have wanted to feel for a baby of our own but never been able to feel.....

I then stepped back and looked at him and said "I just can't believe it. It just can't. It feels like a dream and that I'm going to wake up".

Then, I said to him "Do you know what this means? It means we are ABLE TO CONCEIVE. Even if we end up having a M/C over the weekend or in the coming weeks. Even if my HCG level on Monday is non-viable, it means we can conceive, B. It is possible!!!"

We both just held each other and he took a photo of me at that moment with my red, blotchy tear streaked face holding the pregnancy test with its two lines. Two lines we have dreamed of for 2.5 years.

Over that weekend, I spotted on and off and it was absolute torture. I went through absolute hell wondering whether it was over or whether this was just delayed implantation spotting. Sometimes it was more than just brown. Sometimes it was quite red and heavy.

B and I didn't tell anyone about the test. On Monday morning I went for the HCG and B and I worked from home on Monday afternoon so that we could be together when the nurse called with the results. She called and I could immediately hear the joy in her voice - our HCG was 800 at 17 days past ovulation which she said was well above average. This time we gave ourselves a chance to really celebrate knowing that we were one step closer to viability.

That night, we called all of our immediate family overseas - mom's, dad's, brothers and sisters and told them our news. It was one of the best moments of our lives so far.

The weeks started to tick by, one by one and my thoughts were constantly pulled between the fear of miscarrying and the joy of actually being pregnant. At 5 weeks, I had some quite heavy spotting - dark red which soaked through a panty liner in half an hour. I was completely freaked out and we visited our IVF doctor who booked me off on a week of bed rest and took me off the aspirin (which I had been taking for the Prothrombin genetic blood clotting disorder). Within 2 days, the bleeding stopped but I remained pretty much horizontal for the full week, as per doc's instructions. I was so thankful to our doctor for this.

At 6 weeks the nausea which I hadn't had at all except for 1 spell at 13dpo, surfaced BIG TIME. I started having to get up every morning and run straight for the loo where I would throw up violently for 5 - 10 minutes. Mainly just water as my stomach was quite empty.

Our 6 week, 6 day scan came and we were both extremely nervous. However, the moment the image came on the screen we could instantly see the flickering heart beat, before the technician could even show it to us. 130 beautiful beats per minute. I cried and cried, yet again.   The nurse called that afternoon with our HCG reading - 97 000.  That night we called the family overseas again with our news. Joy and laughter were shared all around.

At 7 weeks, B nicknamed our little one 'Comet'. It was such a heartwarming moment because up until then, he hadn't allowed himself to connect too much or get too excited.

From weeks 6 - 10 the hunger only increased and the daily vomiting continued every day. Luckily, once I threw up, it pretty much was out of my sytem for the day and I could continue working and eating as normal (just eating a lot more!). There were a few days that were really really bad - one day so bad I couldn't keep anything down and had to resort to the doctor and a prescription of maxalon so that I could keep food and water down. 

At 9 weeks 3 days we graduated to our new OB who is just amazing. He has scanning equipment in his rooms so B and I got to see 'Comet' again. Bubs was measuring ahead at 10w1d which was so exciting and we could see it's little leg and arm buds wriggling away. We were just amazed and so unbelievably thankful to have made it this far.

We had our 12 week scan last week and got to see Comet again in 4D real time! 

Everyone says this I'm sure, but the scan was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING - one of the highlights of our lives so far! Probably extra amazing for us given the journey it's been to get here.

This is going to sound dramatic, but I literally had tears of joy streaming down my face.

B and I were totally and utterly blown away by how much Comet had grown, by how much the baby was moving (literally lying on its back and bouncing up and down with hands and feet all going at once!) and by how perfect everything looked even though bubs was now only 6.3cm long with a heart beat of 155bpm! At one point in the 4D scan the baby even wiped it's mouth with it's tiny fist. It was a very special moment.

We also received the results of the down syndrome test, and we were deemed as being very low risk. So no further testing will be required!

For the first time, we actually felt that we could get REALLY excited and we spent the weekend emailing family and friends all over the world and sharing our news. I created a little 'Save the Date' invite which said "Save the date - 28 December 2012. B and I are overjoyed to announce that we are expecting our first baby over the Christmas holidays"

Over the years, we have let on to a few key friends and family the struggles we have been having and that we've had to undergo IVF. The outpouring of love and joy from everyone that we've received has been overwhelming to say the least. I have copied and pasted every email of love, support and congratulations onto a document which I will print out and paste into Comet's baby book.

After all of this, I think that we are finally on the home straight. My new OB has kept me on the aspirin and it is likely that I will continue with this indefinitely well into the pregnancy. Women with the Prothrombin gene mutation have a higher risk of preeclampsia and undersize placenta's and aspirin has been shown to reduce this risk substantially. I will also be treated with Heparin for 6 weeks after the birth of the baby to prevent clotting. We will have special checks at our 20 week scan and a further 24 week scan which will look specifically at blood flow within the arteries, veins and placenta, because of my gene mutation and the tendency of my blood to clot. My doctor has obviously done his research and I feel like I am in very good hands.

This all said, we still need to make it to 20 weeks. It has been hard not to worry constantly about the threat of M/C. But I have forced myself to stay positive and to think constantly of the 'sunrise message' I received back in March saying that our turn was coming. Above all, I have felt a deep sense of calm that it's all going to be ok. Plus, the daily throwing up has been a reminder that this is a strong pregnancy.

Needless to say, at almost 13 weeks, the daily vomiting has not stopped and it's now been almost 7 weeks of it every morning without fail. I am often thankful for this as if I had had no symptoms, I think I would have worried myself sick, so it has been a blessing in disguise really!

Through all this time I have followed your blogs and have read with joy about those that are now on very similar timelines to me. A huge congratulations girls - so so happy for you!  I have also read some very sad posts that still break my heart thinking about them now. I said to a very close fellow IVF friend of mine, that even though I am now pregnant, "once an infertile, always an infertile"... that pain will never leave me and when I read these sad posts, it is all too real again. I also have no doubts that we will not be truly safe until the baby is at a stage where is could survive even if born premature. I know all too well that we could end up in that place.  After all, I will always be an infertile, ever prepared for the worst to befall us!

But for now, I am just going to relish the absolute joy that fills my heart right now. When I look at Comet's scan pics. When a read the congratulations emails from friends. When I look at my husband's face as he touches my slightly protruding belly.  All I feel is pure joy.


Lots of love to you all and can I just say how great it is to be back!!!



xxxx